


Fractions & Interventions

by Heikethelen



Category: Outlander (TV) RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Cheating, Depression, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-07 21:52:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16416656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heikethelen/pseuds/Heikethelen
Summary: She has never really known who she was. But she has always wanted to be the fearless one, the girl who never backs down.





	1. Sam

**Author's Note:**

> This story deals with serious issues such as depression and anxiety. If you are not comfortable with these subjects and RPF, please don't read. In no way am I saying that the characters written about here are the same in RL. This story could have been written with original characters or Jamie and Claire, but something about the dynamic inspired me to write it with SC. With that being said, I hope you enjoy x

**Early 2014**

The room is dark, quiet. So quiet, it would make almost anyone anxious. It certainly makes her anxious. Handling silence used to come naturally to her. But since he has come into her life, she’s not sure she’ll ever be able to accept her previous choices. Before, a quiet evening would not have bothered her. Having fun was not necessarily a criteria of a relationship. It has always been more about support, sometimes even about respecting society’s expectation.

She’s not sure she’ll ever be able feel like that again, not now that someone had been able to make her feel. To understand her and her very complex persona. So complex in fact, she’s never known how to really describe herself. Am I that strong, or maybe just _extremely vulnerable_?

Rebel would probably be at the top of the list she thinks.

She had asked Tony once. On a similar evening, when she was also rethinking her whole life and its meaning. He had said kind. It’s not that she isn’t, but isn’t that what anyone’s answer would be? The answer had almost succeeded in making her smoke. Something she now only does under too much stress or extreme sadness.

She suddenly gets up from her spot on the couch, and almost knocks over the small table in her haste. He does not seem to notice.

And just because she needs to feel validated, she tells him although she knows he probably would not have asked.

‘’ I am just going to go make a phone call. ‘’

Silence follows, again.

* * *

 

That simple phone call actually turns out to be a drive to his apartment. He does not live too far away from her, close enough that she can justify her visit by the classic: _I was in the area_.

She’s not sure that going to see him is the best idea she has ever had. She can’t trust herself when she goes into these endless whirlwinds of thoughts. And if she wasn’t so scared, she would probably be forced to admit that for the first time in her life, she needs someone. Not just anyone, she needs Sam.

Before she even has the time to think it through, a knock on her window makes her jump out of her seat. Her hand reflectively goes to her heart, in a poor attempt to calm herself. From the corner of her eye, she can see his infamous grin.

She finally opens the door, and he offers his hand in peace offering.

‘’ You bloody idiot do you want me to die. ‘’

‘’ Ye know I could not bear it Balfe. ‘’

His tone is light, but she can feel the truth behind his words.

They stay there for seconds, just smiling at each other, appreciating the other’s presence. They haven’t filmed in some days, a rare occurrence since the madness of it all. She missed him. Simply his presence around her has made her tired mind at rest.

He’s the one to break the spell, tucking a wild curl behind her ear. She smiles.

‘’ I am happy to see you ‘’

He speaks the words in a hushed tone, almost sensual. And if there is something that she knows how to be, it is to be sensual. So she brings her hips closer to his, and brings him even closer by hooking her fingers in his belt loops. She hopes he can’t feel her heart beating faster. Almost too fast.

‘’ I am happy to see you too. ‘’

He makes this Scottish noise that is so him before bringing his own hands to her hips slightly raising her top to tease her.

‘’ So…. ‘’ She starts, and is momentarily distracted by his knowing grin.

‘’ So.... ‘’

The way they both giggle at something so simple would have probably made her uncomfortable with anyone else. She can’t remember ever feeling so free.

‘’ Would you like to have diner with me? ‘’ She follows his eyes to the ground, and it is only then that she notices the grocery bags.

‘’ I would be honored. ‘‘He reluctantly lets her go only to grab the bags and open the door for her.

They have done this before. Spent evenings together. Nothing had ever really happened though. They touched and flirted, and had definitely built an intimacy that was unparalled to anything she had ever known before. But they never crossed the line. Not that she did not want to. She was simply confused. She was never really one to know what she wanted. How was she supposed to know now that she was almost sharing feelings with Claire Fraser? Or was that simply an excuse to avoid the blatant truth? That perhaps she was in love with Sam Heughan.

‘’ What brings ye here? ‘’ Right, what was she doing here?

 _I wanted to call you but I realized I needed to see you? I was on the verge of a panic attack and thought you would help me?_ No, that would not do.

‘’ I was in the area and I thought I would stop by. ‘’

The answer seemed to satisfy him enough, and he continued his task in the kitchen. How did she never realize how much men cooking were sexy?

‘’ Do you want any help? ‘’

‘’ No, you’re my guest. ‘’

So they talk, and he makes her laugh. She makes him laugh too. In no time, the feeling of being trapped that took place in her earlier in the evening becomes a distant memory. She is glad that she decided to come.

‘’ I have tickets for an art opening on Tuesday, do you want to come with me? ‘’

Tony would not be there, and she would rather go with someone who clearly enjoyed her company anyways.

‘’ I would have loved too, but I am leaving tomorrow for a brand deal. I’ll only be back next week. ‘’ She briefly wonders how she did not about that.

‘’ Oh, ok ‘’ She gives him a smile that she hopes looks confident.

He then blurts out words that make her heart stops and turn her cheeks a deep pink.

‘’ Would ye like to sleep here? ‘’

He too seemed surprised by his own words. She can tell as much by his own red cheeks and from the way he is anxiously playing with his fingers, making them into fists. Something she noticed he did when he got nervous about something. She thought about lonely nights at her place, cold sheets and harsh words. Just like that, she knew.

‘’ I mean, we don’t have to do anything, I – I dinna want to make ye uncomfortable I don’t know why I even – ‘’

‘’ Yes. ‘’

The surprise in his eyes almost makes her laugh despite the surprising seriousness of the situation.

‘’ Are ye sure Cait? You don’t have to. ‘’

‘’ Of course I know. ‘’ She grabs his hand ‘’ I want to stay with you. ‘’

* * *

 

Once they are in his bedroom, neither one of them knows what to do. The moment is slightly awkward, and she wants to laugh at the situation. She most definitely wants him, and she thinks he might want her too. She also knows that whatever is between them needs time.

She needs time. She is not sure what part of herself there is to give at the moment. It would not be fair to him.

They could fuck. She has no problem doing that. But _they_ deserve more.

She only notices that her hands are trembling when he gently takes them in his bigger ones, and kisses each and every one of her fingers, never letting go of her eyes. They fall on the bed together, in tangle of web and limbs, not knowing where one ends and the other begins.

They are still fully clothed, somewhat afraid of sheading layers. They have seen each other naked multiple times, but it would not be the same here. Not in the moment. Her hands find his back under his shirt, and the warmth radiating from him almost gives her enough strength to finally _tell him_.

So she thinks about Tony, and how he is probably still reading at his place. She tries to feel guilty, but she finds that she can’t. There is not a relationship to ruin anymore. All the guilt she manages to feel is related to Sam. She knows she should tell him.

Except she has always been a little selfish.

She was so caught up in her thoughts (again) she had failed to notice how dangerously close to her lips his own were. So close, that his next words are tenderly spoken against them ‘’ What is wrong Caitriona? ‘’

She gasps against his lips, taken aback by his sudden question.

She thought she had been playing her cards right. That she seemed perfectly fine, put together. She can’t tell him everything that is wrong, she’s not sure she herself could even put it into words.

‘’ How would you describe me, in a word? ‘’

The look on his face is a confused one, but she can’t see any trace of judgement. Only concern followed by such adoration (and maybe love) it takes her breath away.

‘’ I think ye are a beautiful mystery my love.‘’

He presses his lips against hers then, and she thinks he has given her the answer.


	2. Delicate Transitions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer : Please don't be offended by any characterization in this story. It is not based on anything. It's going to be a bumpy road, but everything will work out in the end. Enjoy, and thank you for your support.

The room is warm, dark but comforting. Completely silent save from the sound of their lips pressing against each other. Their first kiss turned into another, and another. The thought of ever stopping makes her head spin and she digs her fingers deeper into his back, anchoring herself to him.

‘’ Sam ‘’ Sam’s hands found their way on her neck, delicately caressing the skin there. It’s a small gesture, but he touches her with such wonderment and gentleness, she can feel the tears burning her eyes.

‘’ Ye’re so beautiful ‘’ His hands trace the outline of her body, and she trembles. ‘’ How are ye so beautiful? ‘’

A part of her wants to tell him that she isn’t, that he is the most beautiful thing she ever saw. But all she can do is moan into his mouth, unable to do anything else. She feels her heart beat faster when his fingers fumble with the buttons of her jeans.

She wants him inside her, that much she knows. But she is overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings, in a way she never was before. Not being in control is at the top of the things she hates the most. Before she can even try to calm herself, the moment is over. Words are whispered against her ear, but she doesn’t understand them.

 _Don’t let yourself be vulnerable, don’t let yourself be vulnerable_. An old personal mantra. Almost like an old and comforting friendship.

‘’ Are you ok? Did I do something wrong? ‘’

She wants to burst into tears at the thought that she might have just creeped him out forever. Or that she might have ruined her chance of ever having a normal relationship with him.

‘’ No, no it’s me. ‘’ Behind her quaking voice, he can hear the frustration.

‘’ You haven’t done anything, it’s ok if you are not ready Cait. “

He can see the deception on her face, something resembling guilt. She is quiet for a long moment, her eyes searching his for reassurance. For any sign that he won’t make her leave, that she did not just lost her only chance.

‘’ Is it ok if we – if we wait a little? ‘’

‘’ Of course it’s ok baby.

‘’ Sam’s answer comes so quickly, and so naturally, she can only believe him. The way he looks at her and the constant movement from his hand on her side, reassures her. She is not alone; _he’s not going anywhere._

Not tonight anyways.

She nods fiercely, suddenly overcome by an emotion she can’t exactly name. How did she ever come to deserve his presence in her life?

She is not used to such understanding, to such tenderness. She almost wants to tell him that, but it might be revealing too much of herself.

In a mutual agreement, they end up laying side to side, forehead pressed together. She knows that she does not have to say anything, that she could fall asleep right there and then and he would not mind. He just gets her. Maybe even more then she gets herself.

But because the fear of losing him is simply overwhelming, she feels like she must.

‘’ I came here tonight because I needed you. ‘’ She presses a tender kiss on neck. ‘’ Because I trust you to make things better. I hope that’s enough for now. ‘’

‘’ Don’t ever worry about being enough Caitriona. ‘’

She gives him a small smile, and the next words are out before she can even think about it.

‘’ Tá mo chroí istigh ionat.’’

A language she has not spoken in ages, something that is close to home, that she buried years ago when that home was left behind. But Sam feels like home.

‘’ That sounded beautiful. What does it mean? ‘’

‘’ Nothing, maybe I’ll tell you one day. ‘’

She falls asleep to the beating of his heart, her own full of hope.

* * *

 She wakes up to fingers dancing on her cheek and playing with her hair.

She does not want to open her eyes, afraid to break the spell of last night. When she does, she is greeted by his beautiful smile awakening butterflies in her stomach.

_Is this what love feels like?_

‘’ For such a beautiful wee thing ye do snore quite loudly.‘’

‘’ Shut up, I don’t snore. ‘’

She could get used to this she thinks. Waking in his arms, laughter all around.

_This is a dangerous game you’re playing Caitriona._

‘’ Aye ye do. ‘’

In a second, her lips are against his. She can feel his smile against her lips, and the happiness radiating from him.

‘’ Well, I sure hope my wee noises don’t bother you too much. ‘’

From the look on his face, she knows where his mind went and briefly pretends to be offended.

‘’ You child. ‘’

He holds her tighter against him, humming against her ear. The constant movement on her back almost puts her back to sleep, but his next words remind that there is ( sadly ) a world outside of his apartment.

‘’ I have to leave in an hour. ‘’

Right. He has a life. She has life. Parts of her life he would probably never want to know about. Others, she hopes she will be able to share with him. Whether she eventually manages to do it or not, she still has to go back to her apartment. Back to the façade she has worked so hard to build, and that she now wishes could go away.

He tilts her chin up. ‘’ I’ll be back in a few days, ok? ‘’ She seems unsure. ‘’ You’ll be so busy filming, you won’t even notice I am gone. ‘’

If only he knew.

She caresses his chin ‘’ I’ll miss you. ‘’

‘’ I’ll miss you too. ‘’

* * *

 The drive back to her apartment, is filled with reflections and a urge to continue driving all the way to London. She need to tell Sam about Tony. If she ever wants this to work, there simply is not another option.

She does not want to think of her reaction, but she hopes he can find it in his heart to forgive her. Although she would understand if he could not. She knows how betrayal feels like.

But he has to understand.

The first thing she sees when she turns the corner of her street is his car. She grips the steering wheel tighter, her knuckles turning white. She has no strength, and no desire to deal with him right now.

They used to be friends. Tony and her. Now, she can only resent him. There is an overwhelming anger associated to his name, and sometimes even anxiousness. She does not like the person she is with him. He brings a side of her that she despises, but can’t control.

She misses their friendship, what they used to have. But she can’t stand what it has become.

When she unlocks her door, she sees him sitting at her kitchen table. The sight of him in her apartment makes makes her anxious and uncomfortable. Like he does not belong there.

‘’ That was a long phone call. ‘’

She rolls her eyes and hopes he notices.

‘’ Believe it or not, some people are actually interested in what I have to say. ‘’ 

She hates herself when she is with him.

‘’ Well I hope last night’s fuck helped you feel more important. ‘’ It hurts because nothing about last night was casual, and it certainly was not just a fuck. She would rather die, then to see this night being ruined.

‘’ You bloody bastard. ‘’

She makes her way to the kitchen, not bothering to look at him. If she does, she will lose it. She is in the middle of intently searching for something in that drawer when she hears him getting up.

‘’ Do you think I am enjoying this Caitriona? ‘’ His presence makes her feel dizzy ‘’ Do you think it’s fair that I had to leave everything behind for this shit? ‘’

‘’ I cannot – I am suffocating here. I can’t breathe. ‘’

In a rush of sudden anger, he kicks the counter making her jump in her place.

‘’ Don’t be so bloody dramatic. ‘’

For a moment, the only noise that can be heard is of her rummaging through her drawer.

‘’ Where are my fucking cigarettes? ‘’

‘’ I threw them out. ‘’

Her hands tremble with the effort of staying silent, not wanting to give him another reason to criticize her. Eventually he leaves the kitchen, and walks towards the front door.

He probably knows that there is nothing left to say anymore.

‘’ I am going back to LA. One of my friend needs help on a contract and I offered to help. I won’t be back for about two months. ‘’

She wants to say something like good, but knows that she is in no state to speak without either screaming or crying. She would rather stay quiet.

‘’ Hopefully by then we’ll know what to do with this. ‘’

The door closes behind him and she tries to calm herself. She tries all of the tricks she has and have been given. _Think of quiet and happy places, count to 10, take deep breaths, close your eyes, find a focus object…_ But nothing works.

Her phone buzzes, and she quickly grabs it. Anything to distract her.

 **Sam:** _I had an amazing night with you. Don’t ever doubt yourself my love, you are way more than enough. I can’t wait to see you and hold you in my arms again xx_

She burst into tears.


End file.
